The conversation we aren’t having about Adam Goodes
If Adam Goodes returns to football this weekend, the conversation about racism that has dominated the media cycle for the last few weeks will probably fade into the background.
While many will be glad to see a champion player back on the field, we may have missed an opportunity to talk about the courage he has shown in taking some time off.
I stand with Adam because he is modelling good coping skills.
As a Clinical Psychologist, I spend my days listening, supporting and treating people who are experiencing challenges in their lives.
People brave enough to recognise that they’re having a tough time, and might need a hand sorting it out.
People who are aware that having time, space and support might assist them in coping with distress.
Unlike Stan Grant and others, I cannot tell you how Adam Goodes feels.
I don’t have first hand experience of racism, I don’t know what it’s like to be an indigenous Australian or a public figure. I don’t even know very much about football.
But I do know that having strong, brave and powerful male role models in our community, who take time when life gets tough, has the potential to benefit the whole community.
Adam Goodes may be one of the most helpful models of coping skills that the football community has seen in recent times.
All too often we see footballers struggling under pressure that resort to coping with negative emotions by remaining silent, exhibiting aggression on and off the field, and abusing substances to manage the stresses associated with elite sport.
He didn’t play last weekend because he wanted time to heal, to reflect, to calm, to regroup, to seek support and to gain perspective.
He was honest about his decision to take some time out to recuperate after being the victim of sustained verbal abuse and his football club wholeheartedly supported him.
Since then, I’ve heard him called “soft” and “weak” and a “pussy”.
When things get tough, self-care is the first is the first thing to go out the window. Parents will understand this. When times get hard, we focus on “soldiering on” and “hardening up” and trying to put on a brave face in difficult circumstances.
We have a culture that says “suck it up” and the cost is depression, anxiety, domestic violence and suicide.
Our society is built on ignoring pain and suffering and pretending that we’re all fine when we’re really not. Because not being fine is a sign of weakness, right? And we should all just harden up and get on with it, yeah?
We shouldn’t. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t solve anything.
In a society that is fast-moving and time-poor, taking time to heal after such sustained, racially-motivated abuse is the measure of a man. This should an important take home point.
It takes enormous courage to do what Adam Goodes has done over the last week.
He recognised that he was feeling distressed, overwhelmed and powerless in the face of abuse and he took some time to self-care.
Caring about our wellbeing and looking after ourselves should be the priority. It builds self-esteem and self-worth. But it is rarely our priority.
We should care for ourselves in difficult circumstances; get some space, take some time out, seek support, talk to loved ones. Good coping involves taking time to reflect and plan, to organise our thoughts and re-establish our own goals, wants and needs.
I have no idea if Adam Goodes did this. Not the foggiest.
But from the point of view of what the broader community can learn from this saga, it doesn’t matter. He’s provided an excellent example of how to manage a personally challenging situation.
We should all take time to care for ourselves, whatever form that takes.
For me it involves bacon and eggs on Friday mornings and sometimes going to yoga.
That time affords me the perspective and headspace to dedicate my time and thoughts to others. When I don’t take that time to look after my own mental health, my capacity to support others’ mental health is diminished, as is my own wellbeing.
The important part is taking time when you need it.
As a society, taking time is frowned upon. It’s selfish and indulgent. It’s playing the victim or getting stuck in a “poor me” mentality. That’s bullshit.
Taking time should be the norm. Recognising that we need a break, some headspace and some self-care should be applauded. And this is the bit we’re missing out of the whole sorry tale.
Adam Goodes should be revered and celebrated for a number of reasons, for being a proud Australian Indigenous man, for having the courage to stand up to racism, to assert that verbal abuse is not ok, but also, for letting people know that it’s ok to take a breath, to stop, reflect and heal.
I stand with Adam for a lot of reasons, but most importantly because he is showing us how to look after ourselves through adversity with care, respect and self-compassion.
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